I Fell Today.

Working on a Sunday doesn’t bother me. Less staff, less customers, a relaxed day in the shop. Today I was full of confidence. Six hours of interaction, good and bad customers. I had a good long chat with a colleague in which we put the world to rights and had a good old moan about relationships and the failings of potential partners. Truth be told, I normally start to feel uncomfortable around people after around an hour but for the sake of being social and friendly, I normally battle through it.

Halfway home, my colleague got off the bus leaving me with a witty punchline that had me grinning. Then, coming down from the joke, I kept going down.

I started crying. I don’t know why. I know that it wasn’t because my colleague had gone. I hadn’t had a bad thought or experience. My mood just fell and took my confidence with it. I managed to hide my tears from the other passengers and hid at home until now. I missed a birthday party. I missed being around the people that make me feel so good about myself. All because of this fall and not having the strength to fight the fear and leave the house.

5 Comments

    • I am feeling better I think. I mean… I’m not feeling now. I hope that makes sense… It’s not like I was on a particular high, I guess I just… maybe allowed myself to feel something positive and was punished for it? Maybe I punished myself for it… I’ll have to have a think. I’m sorry to hear about Sunday. I hope you’re feeling better. I promise that if I come up with something, I’ll get back to you. Thank you for caring about a stranger x

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    • These things happen I guess. Perhaps by not feeling I forgot how sorrow felt… I know its okay to fall down but is it bad that when I get back up the best I can hope for is emotional nothingness? I mean, my retreating into numbness was a conscious choice and was a defense mechanism but… have I gone too far? Should I be so content at not feeling anything?
      I truly hope your setback is a short one and that you can get back to normal. Keep fighting Amanda 🙂 x

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  1. It’s actually funny how I completely understand this feeling, it’s like have gum stuck on your shoe except the gum sticks you to the ground.
    Find things to do at home so long, avoid just staying in bed. Even if it’s making yourself a meal. You are in you’re house and therefore it’s your space. You that space to your advantage and explore your hobbies.

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