I Just Want To Sleep.

It’s strange to realise that; after many years, I don’t have the sense of foreboding that has been sitting on my shoulders. At night I would lie awake for hours thinking about all the things that could happen to people I love and I would go through scenario after scenario, looking for a single one in which the outcome would be that I would survive too. For me, my loved ones are anchors. To lose just one… I would be washed away. I would lose myself to despair and I would either go mad or step in front of a train. Actually, for a while I kept a letter in my pocket addressed to “The Driver”, just in case I did just that. Because a lot of the guilt that thinking about suicide brought upon me, a lot of it was not for my loved ones. They had a different kind of guilt. I was very much aware that by using this driver to end my life, I would be ending theirs too. I carried with me an apology to this stranger for choosing them to be the instrument of my death.
Anyway.
I’m writing this now because this is one of those times that I would be worrying. This is one of those times in which the walls of my bedroom would close around me and I would retreat into my private hell.

Except now I don’t feel anything and I couldn’t be happier. I’d like to go to sleep though…

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