I Turned 30 last week.

When I was first tainted with the brush that is the diagnosis of depression back in my teens, I accepted that suicide was an option. As I began to fight the darkness I knew that ultimately I would lose and that suicide would be me taking control. I kill me, I kill the darkness. I decided that with my head being the way it was and my brain being the enemy that it was, I would not reach my thirtieth birthday. Just a feeling that I had. Anyway, I reached it. Not much has changed, I’m still not recognising what I see in the mirror and I’m no closer to fixing this problem than I was 17 years ago.

I celebrated my birthday alone. I invited twenty of my closest friends and nobody turned up. Of course, nobody knows of the tremendous milestone that simply reaching my 30th birthday was. Should I have to tell all for someone to give a shit?

Is it normal to hate your reflection because you know that there are people out there that are how you wish you could be?

I mean, why me?


  1. Please tell me you live in North Carolina and then we can hang out and you will have a friend in me. I’m really sorry nobody showed up for your birthday. That’s pretty shitty.

    A friend of mine always told me she would never make it to thirty. She killed herself at 28. Left her kid behind and everything. *sighs* It’s the living the suffer long after the dead are gone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t live nearby I’m afraid, I’m from the UK. Don’t hold that against me though, eh? I appreciate the offer though, I’m Nick. Nice to meet you 🙂

      I’m sorry to hear about your friend. It’s dreadful that they had reached that point. A friend of mine killed himself not long ago. He left a wife and two kids behind. We’ve all been trying to figure out what we could have done to help but being where I am, i know that we couldn’t have changed anything. I’m truly sorry about your friend.


  2. I’m proud of you for making it to thirty! I know how hard it is and I wish someone would have been there with you to celebrate.

    I can relate – most days I still expect that I’ll end up killing myself someday. However it is worth the fight, even when we forget why!

    Again, proud of you and very happy birthday. Drop me a line if you want 🙂


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