Not now, not in the near future. Eventually.

Nobody I know is aware of the 30 year thing. I haven’t told a soul. I wish I could but… there’s the guilt. I can’t tell them that when I die, it will be by my hand. I can’t tell them that while I appreciate everything they have done for me (and I do, I feel I owe them an enormous debt), that I plan to kill myself eventually. Maybe they would think I was ungrateful or that I didn’t care. Of course I care, about them and how they feel. I just don’t care about me. I’m long out of fight.

All along I thought I was being tortured by something. I thought that my depression and anxiety disorder were changing me into something I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be angry all the time. I didn’t want to be consumed by a burning rage that would on occasion, when I could sneak away, leave me screaming as loud as I possibly could just to vent what was building up inside of me. I have lost my voice once or twice as a result.

What I’m trying to say is that I had a realisation today. I realised what my sleepless nights were. I realised what the imagined confrontations were. I’m rationalising my intention. I dream up conflicts with them to emotionally distance myself from those I love. If they hate me, they won’t miss me, right?

I realised that I’m preparing to die.

2 Comments

  1. Distancing yourself from people won’t make them hate you. I will just make them miss you – especially when you die.

    And you know what comes along with that? Survivors guilt. The ones that are left behind will walk around wondering how it is that they didn’t know. “If only I would have paid more attention. If only he would have just reached out to me. If only ….”

    So if you are going to do it, it would be nice if there were a note to go along with it. If you’re going to kill yourself, nobody can stop you. And it makes me sad that you walk hand-in-hand with this depression and you can’t seem to shake it off enough to want to stay.

    But just in case you want to e-mail me and get some things off of your chest, please do so. stewart.crystal85@gmail.com or you can find me on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/juliannesmom

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate the offer. Really, thank you. Depression is such a selfish disease, isn’t it? I mean, I have a great deal of love for those closest to me and I want nothing more than to make them proud of me. But this horrible condition holds me back in so many ways. It has infiltrated every aspect of my life and has changed me from a warm, loving person to a bitter, angry shell.

      There are a lot of things I want to do and I do still have some hope that I can find a way to live with this. I just wish that I was in control more.

      Thank you for caring about a stranger.

      Liked by 1 person

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